Nonbinary

 Hi, 

Thanks for reading this blog. I've been going through some things, having therapy because of various things in the past and things that I've been trying to work out and move past. Part of that is that I realise that I can be terribly co-dependent - for example - and that I have a powerful inner critic that can lead me to self sabotage a lot of the time. This last week I've set some of the things that were bothering me to rest. First, I'd been questioning my gender identity. For a long time (probably most of my life) I've questioned what it means to be male and a man. The images I was shown as a child, the stories I was told, never felt like they fitted me - and I always felt like I was a bit of a cuckoo in the nest. I was a dreamer and I've always found making friends hard as well, so that positive reinforcement of masculinity never really happened for me. To be honest, I've always preferred the company of women - which probably added to that cuckoo feeling. 

One of the things I wanted to address earlier this year was if I was trans as a result of this (for the record I don't believe that being trans means being born into the wrong body, but that experiences have led to a disassociation with the script we're taught as children because it doesn't feel right. This may result from traumatic experiences and I believe also results from the rigid gender binary we have in our society). For years, I've felt outside the gender binary and as if I often watch as male and female - which seem to me like two great siege engines straining against each other in futile efforts to gain or hold ground a lot of the time - go to war and felt like I can see both sides and wish we could wave magic wands and get it all sorted. So much of the time the battlefields seem petty and as if an honest conversation could resolve them. Gender feels as if it's just a story that's told to make people feel like they have a place to fit... provided they accept the rules of the prison they've signed up to. Failing to perform your assigned gender will, after all, be punished (this was perhaps why gay identities were so transgressive at one time, and why effeminate gay men and butch lesbians who fail to perform their role according to our expectations are still held at arm's length in much of mainstream society. The bathroom acts in America, for example, seem far more likely to catch masculine looking lesbians than transwomen). 

In addition to therapy, I was asking for examples of positive men or masculinity so that I could see if I found a place that fit... and didn't, so on the advise of someone online I sat down and defined the space I wanted to occupy and found it wasn't in the slightest bit gendered. Consequently, at present I'd say that I'm nonbinary, agender, genderfluid, or however you want to express it. It feels like a concept we have a lot of words for. As my therapy is ongoing, this may change, but at the moment it feels like me and I feel at peace. I don't feel the need to be attached to anything bigger than just being me and I don't see myself as either man or woman. 

This feeling means that I can start moving forward with other parts of my life - changing my name for example. I'll be changing the name on this blog, but keeping it going because Shores of Night, while much neglected because I forget to post and frequently don't feel like I have anything to post about, is important to me. 

Thank you for reading.