The Knot

 For the past six months I've been dealing with what I call "the Knot" based on the Gordian Knot. It's a set of... problems, I suppose which I don't feel I have an answer to and occasionally seem big and intimidating they feel overwhelming. I know that a large part of the situation boils down to waiting, something I'm not very good at, and at planning out what I want in sensible steps, which I'm also a bit crap at. 

The waiting part comes down to the house I shared with my ex-wife and the fact that it seems to be taking so long for her to get it onto the market. I have to remind myself that she's got an immune disorder and is very busy at work... but at the same time I find myself thinking that cliché "if she wanted to she would" and the situation is frustrating because it makes me feel like I'm stuck in limbo, and unable to do anything. 

This waiting and frustration is in many ways the foundation of the Knot - the first strands if you like - because a lot of other things rest upon the house sale. Other parts are more to do with life and general uncertainty particularly around whether I remain in Bournemouth - and that's dependent on my job and workplace, which in common with a lot of other businesses in the UK is struggling with the cost of living crisis and other factors. 

I want to put down some roots and have some stability. I want to be in love and to feel like I'm making progress in life. I do have a whole bunch of questions to find answers to, and those regard both how to do things and what I want. As you may have guessed, I'm pretty inept at life.

Housing

Part of the Knot is the issue of housing and getting a place of my own. I currently live in a studio flat, aka a bedsit with a bathroom, and to be honest it's fine. I'd just like some more space and, honestly, to be able to have some pets. Living alone has been wonderful as a way to learn more about myself and grow as a human being. I quite like it, partly because it allows me to be completely selfish and I don't have to worry about another person's feelings or needs. At times its lonely though, and having a companion would be wonderful. Me being me, though, I'd quite like a companion who's a kitty. 

I'd like the surety of owning somewhere too, even if it was a small flat, and being able to decorate and hang pictures would be wonderful. That probably means making it quite Gothic (but with a more jade green and cream palate - I'm a bit old for black walls these days) and investing in beauty. I was always more of a Lego builder than a person who thought about interior design as a child, but it's something I find quite interesting as an adult. I'd like to have a semi-minimalist place with a Gothic vibe.

Of course, I live in Bournemouth where house prices make it more likely that I can afford a cut price volcano lair, along with minions and a dragon, somewhere than a flat here even after the house in Birmingham sells. You never know though, given that we're on the cusp of a change in government and Labour are at least promising to build more houses. So I have hope, at least (whether or not that thing happens, is a different matters - I mean, whoever you vote for the government gets in, right?).

Job and Career

First, let me say that I love where I work. It's a really dynamic place, with a lot of wonderful people working there and a great deal of passion for art, culture, and creativity. I feel home there and work closely with some brilliant people. I could happily work there for the rest of my life. But... you could feel that coming, right? I'm very conscious that I probably need to earn more money to achieve the buying a house thing and I do want more responsibility, which I never thought I'd say. While I don't know if I want to work in Admissions for the rest of my life, I do enjoy the work and it's been a line of work where I feel like I fit quite well. At the same time, I do want to lean into my strengths and I find myself wondering if that means a career change to something more scribbly or listeny. Obviously I want to write full time, but I do sometimes wonder if I should look at becoming a counsellor. 

Partly, that's because my experience of therapy has been so positive and part of me wants to pay it forward, helping other people. I'm increasingly interested in the mind and how it creates and maintains  reality - to the point where I'm hesitant to describe it as an objective thing. I think I've more or less abandoned my ambition to get a PhD, but at the same time, getting a Postgraduate Certificate in Teaching Creative Writing is tempting. I think I'd need to get a lot more experience in the area, though, and a much stronger publication trail. 

I'm very conscious that this whole situation is dependent on opportunities and whether I'll be able to stay down here anyway... in today's world where we live is determined by where we work, after all. So its very much a question of what I can do, what will be the most satisfying and how that all shapes up. I think, at present, my prescription for this is to do some courses and learn more about the areas I'm interested in, do some courses and get a taste for the actual thing rather than the idea of the thing. 

Romance

Ah, the really difficult one. I've talked about it before, of course, and most of those things still remain. I'm also conscious that I'm pan-curious and would like to kiss, at least, someone who identifies as a man. I like a particular look (bearded and long haired - your stereotypical rocker, basically). I'm also very conscious that I identify as non-binary or agender and there are... issues there that I don't want to go into here but which would affect a relationship. 

There's also an issue that I don't want to share my space that much - based on experiences where it felt as if my choices and being were overlooked, or that I had to constantly compromise to give my partner space and I don't want to go down that road again. I don't say that intending any shade to any of my exes, as I recognise it being a defect within myself rather than within them. If anything I'd blame my parents for never demonstrating that two people could argue and it not be the end of the world, but that's a different blog entry entirely. 

Another factor is that I like my alone time and have been in situations were it felt like I had to surrender that to keep my partner(s) happy - which isn't something I want to do again. I know I get lonely, and recognise some of my behaviours as reflecting that... it's a matter of finding a way to achieve a happy medium, where everyone is happy.

As things stand, I don't have that sort of bond holding me to Bournemouth, if I do end up moving that's not a hurdle I have to overcome. That's, um, not to say I wouldn't like one though... I'm just quite clueless about this sort of thing. I'll admit that there are some people I like at work, mostly AFAB and usually already married which may be a sign of limerence, and most of them seem to work in Marketing or International - for reasons that escape me.

A Sort of Conclusion

It's funny, when I moved down here the plan was to save as much as I could and go back to the Midlands to put a deposit down on a house. That's not happened and I'm not sure I want to move back to the Birmingham area anyway. It turns out that I like Bournemouth more than was planned.  

So for now, I think I have to sit with the Knot working out what I want to do. As my cat oracle once told me, the way you build and resolve things is to go one paw after another (like a cat climbing a tree). Sitting with the issues is hard, but not so much that I can't cope (most of the time), and I'm surrounded by good people. Things will work out, or at least that's what I believe.