That Inner Voice

Photo by Luke Jones on Unsplash

 Hi, 

Welcome back to the Shores of Night, or welcome if you're new here. My name is Grim, I'm a nonbinary, autistic person, and I usually write about fantasy, writing, paganism, roleplaying games, and whatever else takes my fancy. 

Today I want to swerve into my mental health journey and talk about some of the things I'm wrestling with. I've already talked about some changes, which I believe are deep work paying off. 

I've been in therapy since 2022, and learned I'm autistic in 2024, so the past few years have really helped me learn to like, and possibly even love, myself. It's allowed me to reframe a lot of my experiences into something more manageable and encouraged me to have more self-compassion. I feel like a lot of the places I've struggled with sit in the space between what I feel I should have experienced and what actually happened, as well as the various double binds we humans are so good at creating. I guess it's reconciling the map and the territory, in some ways. The result of this work is that I have a base level of contentment, and even if there aren't that many high points, I take solace in having a roof over my head, a job I like, and hobbies I enjoy.  

The reason I say content, rather than happy, is I view happiness as a more extreme state that probably wouldn't be healthy to be all the time. I realise Western culture has adopted the idea we must be happy all the time, but I don't think that's possible, and it sets us up to become emotionally illiterate when bad things happen. And let's face it, bad things will always happen. That's just life. 

Despite this, with a roof over my head, a job I can do and so on,  I still feel like I have a raft of challenges. In the last piece, I talked about my problems making friends and how childhood experiences affected my perception of how likeable I actually am. Building on this, two things I listened to recently started me thinking about further changes that would be good for me to make. 

First, I watched a Kati Morton video on YouTube about signs that you don't trust yourself. Something in it hit me hard, which was needing to run decisions past other people to get their input - no matter what it was... and, um, guilty as charged, M'Lud. 

It's something I've done for so long I don't actually remember when it started, never mind how. I suspect it grew out of the feeling that I had to make people happy, and upsetting them was bad. Upsetting them meant they wouldn't want to be my friend any more, and that my world would shrink even further. It's something I addressed in therapy pretty early on, and... yeah. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

The annoying thing is that because of that, I thought I was sorted on this front, that I'd started to believe more in myself and grown beyond the stage where I look to other people for approval. Now, I'm not so sure... and as if to prove it, there's a part of me that keeps saying I should get someone else to read this piece of writing before I post it... just in case, or for the dopamine hit of receiving a metaphorical pat on the head. 

Worse, I think this is why I've grown to use "AI" for some things, for reassurance that I'm not stupid because I don't follow other people's lines of thought, or to explain when I miss things, or to be sure that when I write, I'm not screwing things up. Because I don't trust myself. 

I've been wrong so many times before, and coupled with the fear of not being overly likeable, that becomes a worrying little knot in my psyche. Consequently, I worry about asking for help and that I'm a nuisance when I do. At the same time, I chafe over the feeling of being ignored when I do ask for help, and it feels like I'm forgotten. I don't like that part of myself, to be honest, and try very hard to accept that it's just the way things are - those people who I'm fortunate enough to call friends are busy with jobs and families, after all. They don't owe me anything. It's just frustrating at times. 

Clearly, it's unsustainable, but relying on a Large Language Model feels like it, too. 

I recognise I use AI for validation as much as anything else. That needs to change, and I need to find better ways of doing things - just to make sure I have the skills and the knowledge to be more self-sufficient. And to boost my own self-trust because I achieved things without being reliant on a machine. 

As a result, I'm looking at what I know, journaling - which I do need to get better at doing - and trying to develop more faith in myself by reminding myself of what I can do. I'm researching exercises and using tarot to explore this matter. Kaizen is also something I want to incorporate into this change, to make sure that what I'm trying to do is achievable. A tiny step forward is better than no movement at all because I'm striving to make a massive change. At present that looks like trying to be out in the world more and visible, but I hope it will lead to more substantial changes.

The other thing that feels pressing, again from a Kati Morton video, is being aware of the inner critic that squats in my head - usually focusing on my intelligence, likability, and looks, but with a generous helping of "you're just useless" on the side. I'm pretty sure that this stems from adverse childhood experiences, but I'd rather keep those private.

Photo by Gabrielle Wright on Unsplash

Therapy has been a huge benefit for me here, identifying the people whose voices my brain has adopted over the years. I accept that it did that as a protective measure initially, and that it's become less beneficial over the years. Being able to prove that I can do good things has been hugely helpful as well, not just because it's given me a store of experiences where at least I was content with the results. I think that's one area where living alone has been an immense benefit. I don't have to live to other people's standards most of the time, so there's no nagging fear of letting someone else down. 

One thing I've done is given that voice a name, Negative Norman, and that helps hugely... It lets me assign those thoughts to their proper owner when they rear their ugly heads. "Oh yeah, it's Norman saying nobody likes me. That's not my thought."

Once again, I'm trying to journal, to track what Norman throws across my cerebellum. I'm also trying ot use mindfulness techniques, letting the thoughts pass without them affecting me, but honestly, he's a lot quieter these days, which I'm thankful for, but also fear it means I'm hiding away from life. When he does show up, though, he kicks like a damn mule, and I spend days nursing a mixture of anxiety, shame, and fear - worrying about the consequences. 

In closing, this is just what I'm trying now, and hoping to carry forward into the future to make myself healthier and more able to cope with the world I live in. If you can't live with yourself, after all, who can you live with? Ultimately, I hope this makes anyone else who has these things embedded in their psyches feel less alone and like there's hope for change and growth. Life is hard, and as I said, bad stuff happens. It's just that carrying around a lack of trust in yourself or an inner critic makes it harder. 

Take care of yourselves, and please drop a comment if anything I've said has resonated with you.