Book Review: Self Made Man by Norah Vincent

 I first heard of this book in 2012, when the tutor for a module on the MA in Creative Writing I undertook recommended it for the Creative Non-Fiction module. I didn't get hold of it then, but it lived in my brain and eventually I sought it out, started reading it and stopping because I wasn't really enjoying it and then starting up again when I learned Vincent had committed suicide in 2022 (albeit suicide at an assisted dying clinic in Switzerland). On an unrelated point, the other reason I started reading it again was because I started to see the book being referred to by incels and manosphere commentators as a way to denigrate women and talk about how tough men have it. I can't remember the wording but the gist of it was that men's lives are so hard that trying to live as one caused Vincent to check herself into a mental institution. We'll come back to this later on. 

The basic idea of the book is that Vincent disguised herself as a man called "Ned" for 18 months and lived as much of male life as she could. She was inspired to do this because she thought it would be interesting to live that way and that doing so would reveal the ease of a man's life. An investigation into "how the other half live", so to speak. Structurally, Self Made Man is divided into different aspects of life, recounting specific relationships and experiences. Vincent works through fun, dating, sex, and other topics, offering her thoughts on each. We learn that the hardest thing for her, aside from the performance of masculinity, and her fears that she never quite performs it correctly, was the suspicion she encountered from women when dating. This is what appears to have wounded her most deeply, even though for much of the book we get the impression Vincent doesn't really like other women very much, often referring to the status games played in what I guess we could call "female culture". We explore the different aspects of perceived manhood and masculinity with a strong focus on relationships. I do wonder if there was an element of confirmation bias involved - or if I'm just innocent - when a lot of the male friends she makes make rude and degrading jokes about women and are obsessed with sex and getting it. In addition, it makes me wonder how honest the account is or if being a geek I simply walk a different path to the one she did. 

I also wonder if this book showcases the problem of American men, and the extreme masculinity that seems to be a hallmark of American culture. That's not to say that men in other countries are necessarily any different, only that their cultures might preclude some of the jokes and "banter" Vincent reports. In the UK, at least, it would probably be more disguised (and honestly British women are pretty rude too). 

In all honesty, for much of the book Vincent comes across as quite an unsympathetic figure, and one who was quite naïve. Partly I say that because its clear she was trapped within her bubble before doing this, and despite being gay, that she was unable to look or imagine how other people interact within society. 

Her conclusions are pretty profound, however, particularly the one that masculinity is less a cohesive thing and more a set of stoic poses created by a fear of appearing feminine - something she says she finds even among monks. When she talks about how the experiment affected her, it's hard not to feel like she experienced some serious mental health issues, which makes me wonder how damaged most men are. 

Returning to the online comments, it seems to me that the men who have now weaponised the book and Vincent's death don't actually care about what she wrote. The comments I've seen don't seem to suggest that they are looking at things systemically or at how they were raised and change things, they just want to be angry.