Life Update: October

 So, October. Another year almost gone with very little to show for it. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it as I'm pretty sure I have various forms of executive dysfunction at play, but all the same it's hard to think that another year has almost gone and I'm no nearer to my goals. The Knot, which I've talked about before, seems more pressing in some ways and it's hard to feel like they're getting resolved. I'm honestly tired of it all and just want to be able to get a house, put down some roots, and get some cats. It's not quite vanish into the woods, live in a cottage and never come out again, but it feels pretty close. 

On the plus side, I have a date for the two parts of my autism assessment - one incredibly soon on Wednesday next week, the second part in November. A touch of imposter syndrome is kicking in but at the same time, I'm in no doubt that I'm autistic. It will be a relief to get a diagnosis and I hope it will help me understand myself a little more and how I fit into this bullshit we call a world. 

I've also heard from the Gender Identity Clinic in London, I've defined as non-binary for a few years, with occasional nods towards being a transwoman. I suspect the feelings of alienation I have towards my birth gender are part of the autism and that's okay with me. Still, it's scary that it's come along now - as if everything's decided to happen at once. It does make me wonder if I should be parking any plans to relocate, but at the same time I don't think that would help. Something else is bound to come up after the assessments so I might as well do whatever I can cope with. 

The situation with my house is continuing to rumble on, and I've reached the point where I feel I have to get some legal advice. My Mum remains convinced that my ex is punishing me for leaving, and I suppose that might be true, but hope it really isn't the case. (Besides I keep thinking that we see the world we are not the way it actually is, so... I feel a bit like my Mum is telling on herself). 

Despite missing last weekend (I was away and everything was a mess - right down to forgetting to pack my phone's charging cable... I chose the hard setting for my trip apparently), I'm still publishing Shadows of the Past on Wattpad and can't believe it's already up to six parts. I'm also writing a new Markov story - it's not a short story that's clear from how much I've got down already, but it should be a good novelette or novella. When I was up in Birmingham, I played with a setting for a Mars based story - but it's actually about labour relations and the way the poor suffer at the hands of the rich... so cheerful stuff as usual. The list of jobs for writing feels pretty long, I want to look at replacing the covers for Forest Brides and A Strange and Sudden Fury and making them available as POD books on Amazon and I want to get a proper website set up (this blog will be incorporated into the site, but I won't be abandoning the Shores of Night). 

My Vampire chronicle has picked back up, we're forging ahead with the same game but we're down to three players (which is fine). The characters are involved in the politics of the new place they're in and getting ready for the torn alliances and shifting nature of a hot war - which of course means I have a lot of fun stuff to play with. It's fun to be scheming around gaming again, to be honest. 

I suppose the big thing is that I've decided (again) not to bother looking for a partner. I'm just tired of it all and while I want some company, I'm back to wanting a house and a cat. My body disagrees and I do want snuggles and things but I just don't think the work is worth the reward... if it can even be called that. That probably sounds horrid of me, but the people who seem to be attracted to me are broken, and I don't want to be in another relationship where I have to fix them or put up with the things they're doing to cope. I'm tired of mooning over people who just don't care about me and trying to make a connection. I get it, I'm not desirable. There's nobody out there for me, and I'm walking the rest of this road alone. At least I know now, and can stop worrying about it.