Broken

Yesterday is the day this fucking year broke me.

I was okay with Covid-19 and okay with lockdown. I'm an introvert, and a loner, I like people but in small doses, hate small talk, and I've learned to love my own company. But this year just feels like its piling things on, throwing them onto the pile in some fucked up game of Jenga. Let's see how much topple if we do this. The situation in Minneapolis and the rest of the USA, the Hong Kong protests, the fact that we're still in the middle of the sixth extinction event, the corruption and mendacity of our politicians, and all the fucking rest of the shit show that is, apparently, the way things are just meant to be. I can't express how sick I am of all of it, especially when it feels like no matter how many protests there are, its just going to end up as sound and fury, signifying nothing. In a month's time the keyboard warriors will be venting about something else, there'll be something new to be angry about, and nothing will have changed. I'm not saying that to be mean, but because that's what I've seen happen before, be it with the environment or women's rights or anything that's come up in the goddam news; and it hurts, to be honest.

It hurts because it feels like there's nothing we can do, and as if everything is just pointless, and it hurts because all that ever seems to be achieved is a new set of fresh victims. Protests result in police brutality or in kettling, voting just gets another set of Janus faced politicians who are only interested in feathering their own nests, writing to your MP seems to only lead to being patted on the head and told that everything is fine, and rioting doesn't achieve anything either! I've reached a point where I just want something to get resolved instead of seeing another layer of the Jenga tower be put into place. I'm sick of divide and conquer, of military hegemony being applied to keep us isolated and focused on our own struggles because a show of unity would start to displace the elites (be they patriarchal, white supremacy, or cis het flavour, or some sort of hellish combination of the three - a Neapolitan of evil if you like).

I just don't know what to do, because at the moment it feels like what's needed is a sort of revolution to really change things, but we know how that just turns into "meet the new boss, same as the old boss" from revolutions in the last century. It feels, too, like this is sort of chest thumping territory, "Me mighty President, me wave Bible like a moron". I see so much that's wrong in the world and I don't know what can be done about that's going lead to a victory for the people who aren't white, and in power. And it hurts.