Shores of Night

 Just a quick note to wish the handful of readers I have a Happy Yuletide, a Merry Christmas, a Peaceful Hanukkah, and a Harmonious Kwanza. Please add my best wishes for any celebrations I've missed.  I wish you a happy, contented, and fulfilling New Year and all the best for 2023. 

 

 Sorry for the short silence. I got caught up in the day job, and the weekend before last, went up to house sit for one of my exes in Wolverhampton. It was a pleasant weekend, though sadly a couple of friends I'd hoped to catch up with weren't available. I saw my ex's daughter and granddaughters, which was lovely. I also saw lots of the chihuahua and Manx cat (and apparently I have allergies to one or both of them, which sucks), who basically superglued themselves to me while I was there. I also met a new kitten, who was charming. I got some work done for my PhD stuff - at least in the sense of now knowing I don't want to reference  Marie de France's  work in my research - which means focusing on Charles Perrault's stories and got some basic research done for the divorce which I have to get rolling. I feel I'm ready to do that now, and to move onto something new, though I'm also scared of what the process is going to be like.  I have to admit, by Sunday ...

Recently I've embraced the idea of going slowly. I suppose its partly a reaction to a world that seems to move ever faster, almost to the point that nothing matters except the speed that things get done. There's probably an element of getting older in it too - it feels as if fast all too often equals corners being cut or the thing concerned not really being worth it if there's not waiting involved.  One area in particular that I want to go slowly is in dating. Part of that's because I'm conscious I have to get divorced, but also that I have attachment issues. I tend to fall in love, or perhaps just become infatuated, very easily and that works against my better judgement. As a consequence, I'm telling myself that I have to go slow and just start with meeting with someone to have cups of tea and go book shopping with. Maybe with a side thing of going for walks and wandering through graveyards (because they're beautiful). I want to be someone's friend who ...

 Am I just too much... am I enough?  I have to tell myself I'm not and that I am, respectively, but I really don't know. I worry I share too much with people, that my sense of humour is too much - that I am too silly. At the same time I worry that I let people down a lot, even though I know it's not true. My inner critic - Negative Norma - tends to go into overdrive with these things and I just end up worrying about if I'm imposing on people... or alternatively that I'm too reticent and hang back too much. There's no real happy medium, unfortunately, and I always seem to be overly familiar and over sharing or aloof and not sharing enough.  I hope I can find a way around this, eventually.  

 So it goes, the annual 12 days of Misrule, Death, Remembrance, and Defiance in the UK have come to an end. We have 4 holidays in close succession to each other, starting with Halloween (or All Souls' Day... or if you're one of my fellow travellers, Samhain), followed by All Saints' Day - which is usually overlooked - then Guy Fawkes' Night and finally, Remembrance Day. The season, for it would be foolish to deny that that's what it is, is united by an idea of defiance either against the encroaching winter or mortal authority, and by a clashing solemnity as we grow closer to today. It travels from the supernatural to the mundane, from monsters to the sacrifice of the flower of youth in a war so horrible that we don't dare forget it.  That element of misrule is a point of much contention - the Church of England never fails to warn about demons and the dangers of the occult, while in many ways the Guy - the figure burned on bonfires on November 5th - is a way of c...

 I'm cat-less at the moment and really miss having a wee beastie around (I can't get one as I live in a small flat and it's against my contract - I have asked and been told no).  As a consequence I'm watching a lot more cat videos on YouTube (as well as enjoying the chances I get to say hello to my therapist's cat).  This means I've discovered a lot more lovely cat channels and I'm going to post one here... Aren't these puss cats so cute? 

 A while ago a friend of mine recommended this track and it is amazing! I found it really good for just getting a new perspective on how I live life (I have a tendency to drift along because I must admit I have co-dependent tendencies). I hope you enjoy!

 Like many people in the UK, I was raised a Christian, but unlike many people - for whom it seems the faith sort of ebbs to a low level of 'acceptable bullshit' to be considered only at Christmas and Easter, or for weddings, funerals, and baptism, I confess I have a strong dislike for it. Part of that was that I came to reject monotheism as a result of my upbringing - having a single deity that's responsible for everything seems ridiculous to me, especially when you look at the number of Saints - the Christian God isn't ruling alone, he just has a large bureaucracy. He's basically the CEO who claims all the credit for his subordinates' work. In addition, owing to other elements in my childhood, I came to reject male authority, and I still struggle with it at times. The idea that the central, and according to my parents the only real, authority, was male coded did little to endear the faith to me. I should stress that I was raised in a broad church Church of Engl...

 Hi,  The last few days have made me think about my life and where it's going. It's made me wonder about where I want to be and how I want to live. Sadly my number one choice, vanish off into Faerie, isn't available, and the world feels cold and oppressive at the moment. Caught between the vagaries of climate change, the cost-of-living crisis, the new government in the UK who seem intent on driving everyone back to the Victorian period at the very least, and the continuing war in Ukraine, things look bleak. On a personal level, I've started to realise that much as I like Bournemouth, I'm lonely and I can't afford anything more than a studio (and sadly I'm not managing to save any money). So, I think a rethink may be on the cards. For the moment, I'm willing to stand in place, get more experience, and try to get the tools to cross to a better paid profession. I'm just conscious of the mental health effect of being lonely, and while I view it as a posi...

 Art no more needs to justify its existence by being linked to mental health or money, or indeed anything else, than a tree needs to validate itself by the number of goods can be made from its wood. Both are valid simply by existing because by existing they add to the beauty and vibrancy of the world we live in. 

 Hi,  Thanks for reading this blog. I've been going through some things, having therapy because of various things in the past and things that I've been trying to work out and move past. Part of that is that I realise that I can be terribly co-dependent - for example - and that I have a powerful inner critic that can lead me to self sabotage a lot of the time. This last week I've set some of the things that were bothering me to rest. First, I'd been questioning my gender identity. For a long time (probably most of my life) I've questioned what it means to be male and a man. The images I was shown as a child, the stories I was told, never felt like they fitted me - and I always felt like I was a bit of a cuckoo in the nest. I was a dreamer and I've always found making friends hard as well, so that positive reinforcement of masculinity never really happened for me. To be honest, I've always preferred the company of women - which probably added to that cuckoo fe...

 Hi,  I'm trying to make the blog a bit better and would love your suggestions one what you'd like me to write about. I've been out there trying to live life, dealing with being knackered, watching the world with a great deal of sorrow as energy prices and food prices look like they'll make life difficult for the vulnerable in society. Also sort of horrified that the new PM (Liz Truss if you're not in the UK) is talking about cutting back on renewable power and granting 130 new licenses for North Sea drilling. Honestly, it feels a little like trying to put out a fire by pouring petrol on it.  So, in the meantime, please accept these pictures of black cats looking gorgeous. Because... Aren't they just the most spooky, gorgeous, kitties? I could snuggle them for hours!

  I wrote a short list of men I admire on a social media site I frequent the other day, and got pulled up on my lack of Stephen Fry (who to be fair, I do admire, but ran out of space for), and subsequently decided to write more on this topic…  The basic criteria is that the list is drawn from people in the public eye and that they are alive. There are plenty of dead men who I admire for their contributions to history, but whom I would likely not approve of if they were alive today (Sir Isaac Newton seems like he had a good streak in him, based on his invention of the cat flap, at least. I am uncertain about his actual character, though). I admire Lord Byron's poetry but, keeping a bear in his rooms and dying in the service of Greek independence aside, don't really approve of how he lived. I’m attempting to base this not so much on achievement, so much, but on character, and on attributes I admire. This isn’t to say that I don’t think women can be as kind, tenacious, charm...

To go slow and be able to let affection grow naturally. To have open, thoughtful, debates about what both of us want from the very start.  To talk about everything and anything without shame or fear of judgement. For both of us to recognise that we are both complete people - who both have and haven’t grown up - and that it’s okay. Mutuality.  To feel like I am listened to and understood. To feel like I have space to be alone without feeling like that’s an inconvenience to the other person. To feel like I can be with the other person and have the space and time to write too. To feel like the other person can entertain themselves without me being on hand to hurry about and provide entertainment. To feel like the other person is present To have a strong base to build the relationship on.  To be able to be small with them, to feel as if I’m allowed to go “off duty” and be the little spoon.  To have my boundaries respected.  For things to feel like a two way street i...

 Hi, I find myself thinking about what I want, and what I’m scared of, a lot at the moment. Part of that is where I’m working out myself – getting in touch with who I was when I was young, asking myself the question who I want to be now. I feel privileged that I can take a step back and look at myself to do that and it feels a little like going through a sort of adolescence albeit one that’s a lot more mindful and considered. Last night, at therapy, I realised I’m scared of being overwhelmed in relationships and that my boundaries aren’t particularly robust. I’m scared that I’ll end up setting myself and my needs to one side because they won’t feel appropriate. I feel as if I’ve learned that in order to be good partner, I must sacrifice myself and have no boundaries. That you nod and smile and do the things you want when your partner is busy – which now that I think about it is what my Mum did when I was a kid, so that’s part of the reason I do it, probably. The other aspect is roo...

Is one of the problems we have in our society is that we confuse the flow of time with progress?  While the most obvious source for this question is the decision to overturn Roe v Wade in America - because it's 2022 not 1822 - its something that we can apply as easily to our own lives. Why does a 60 year old man still find fart gags funny, for example? Or why does a woman in her 40s insist on collecting comics memorabilia? Both these examples suggest people of what at one point might be called a "childish" temperament. Another, drawing from my own life, is a feeling that I "should" have worked out a career and be enmeshed in it rather than flailing around and wondering what I'm actually good at and what will actually interest me for longer than five minutes. It begs the question of, why? One does not equal the other. First, let's establish that both time and progress are illusory. Yes, we age, yes there are days and nights, but time is largely humans h...

I was reading something about a new Batman series which had something in it that the reporter took to be a sign that Bruce  may  be bi-curious. Of course, many fans were outraged by this and declared that Bruce Wayne was straight - in fact if you cut him open like a stick of rock you'll find the word "heterosexual" running all the way through him. What strikes me about this is the way that this is apparently the sticking point, when if DC did reveal that Batman is a bit curious about men, it would be the most realistic thing about the character. (And let's not forget that he  is  fictional, we're not talking about a real person and for all we know - barring the creation of Gilead in the next 30 years - in 2052 it may be that Batman is officially bi and nobody knows what the fuss was all about with him maybe, possibly, wanting a bit of cock). It strikes me as bizarre that the tent pole elements of the character are simply accepted with no questioning, when they a...

 Trying to blog more, but really busy.  So, I'm just dropping a link to a song I like at the moment.  I particularly like the lyric about "just one more ghost on the last train home" because that feels like me.  Take care

  Well, I spoke about this with my therapist (I have no idea how we got onto this subject, tbh, but we did... and it might be pretty foundational to my psyche), so I might as well write a thing about it here. First, I'm writing this without apology, without censoring myself... So, it's going to get nerdy, okay? I hate generalisations, and loathe them with a passion. I appreciate that that's a generalisation in itself, but bear with me, please. I understand why generalisations and their close cousins, stereotypes, arise. I get why we revert to them (basically our brains really aren't as good as we think they are and its easier to have a story about what a group of people are like than to not have one because scaling is difficult - humans generally know 50 to 200 people, the average size of our troops as troop primates is around 150 individuals, about the size of a Medieval village, and we're often confused by fictional characters - your troop may include characters o...