Slow Dating

Recently I've embraced the idea of going slowly. I suppose its partly a reaction to a world that seems to move ever faster, almost to the point that nothing matters except the speed that things get done. There's probably an element of getting older in it too - it feels as if fast all too often equals corners being cut or the thing concerned not really being worth it if there's not waiting involved. 

One area in particular that I want to go slowly is in dating. Part of that's because I'm conscious I have to get divorced, but also that I have attachment issues. I tend to fall in love, or perhaps just become infatuated, very easily and that works against my better judgement. As a consequence, I'm telling myself that I have to go slow and just start with meeting with someone to have cups of tea and go book shopping with. Maybe with a side thing of going for walks and wandering through graveyards (because they're beautiful). I want to be someone's friend who becomes their lover rather than the other way around... As I get older it feels almost like we focus too much on sex - almost as much as we do speed - rather than companionship, and I'm not sure that's particularly healthy. Mostly, it's a feeling that I want to get to know someone thoroughly before committing to anything and relishing the chance to enjoy the journey instead of rushing to the destination.

Identifying as non-binary is also part of this, because I feel a certain amount of trepidation around dating... I've always dated women and I prefer them to men (though I am a bi curious) but I don't know how to approach being with someone as an in-betweeny/agender person, not least because it seems to me that often men and women are busy defining each other based on what they experienced in childhood and cultural stories, sometimes with very little basis in fact. One of my favourite philosophers, Alan Watts, says that opposites define each other - a mountain defines a valley, sound defines silence etc, and that you can't have one without the other. I suppose, in this case - to go off into weird wibbly wobbly space for a moment - men and women are relying on the other to define each other, usually as opposites. The problem is that this is one instance, in my view, where it doesn't really work. More to the point, I feel as if I'm outside that, purely by being myself. I want to be able to turn up to a date in heels and a skirt without having to be anyone but myself, or affect a "cool writer" look with makeup on too (and not just Goth stuff - I crave colour these days). 

So, I'm not really sure where to start looking, who to look for, or what to do. I think the best thing might be to start looking for friends above all else. That means doubling down on rpg playing, going to book groups (if I can find one that I can get to), and other things. I'm pretty sure I can do that.