A Little Life

 Hi, 

The last few days have made me think about my life and where it's going. It's made me wonder about where I want to be and how I want to live. Sadly my number one choice, vanish off into Faerie, isn't available, and the world feels cold and oppressive at the moment. Caught between the vagaries of climate change, the cost-of-living crisis, the new government in the UK who seem intent on driving everyone back to the Victorian period at the very least, and the continuing war in Ukraine, things look bleak. On a personal level, I've started to realise that much as I like Bournemouth, I'm lonely and I can't afford anything more than a studio (and sadly I'm not managing to save any money). So, I think a rethink may be on the cards. For the moment, I'm willing to stand in place, get more experience, and try to get the tools to cross to a better paid profession. I'm just conscious of the mental health effect of being lonely, and while I view it as a positive that I realise, at least, that I feel that way - it's also made me conscious that I'm still my awkward, unsociable, self. I am an introvert... basically a Jamie Smart cartoon at times. 

For the moment though, while my life is small, and it's certainly not hugely busy, after some thought it's what I consider to be a success. I have a job, a home, I'm getting therapy, I have friends, I'm writing, gaming, and doing all the things that I think of as pleasant. Those are the important things to me. While it would be lovely to have a pet and a partner (to be honest, in that order), I'm not hurrying to get either. For the pet, I'd have to move, and for the partner... I want to be sure I'm healed enough not to be co-dependent and to make sure I can keep doing the things I love - because in the past I've ended up abandoning things to make my partners' happy. I don't want that to happen again. It's taken a lot to learn that my life has value and the things I love do too and I'm not willing to go into a relationship where there's an expectation that I give up my passions. I'm certainly not willing to be in a relationship where the other person wants me to be their enabler on the mental health front - in fact one of my hard limits now is anyone wanting me to be their therapist. 

For the moment, I just need to get better at making friends. I find that hard - partly because all my life I feel like I've been told I'm not enough, that the things I try to set up fall flat and that it's all very discouraging. Perhaps I give up too easily? I really don't know. My childhood was blighted by false friends and the words "does anyone really like them" were pretty common. I hated it and I learned not to trust very easily. At present my social life consists of two roleplaying games, a writer's group and a social meet... I'm not sure if that should be enough, or not. I worry about energy, time, and getting things done. 

Despite the feelings about the country I live in, and the way things are going... and yes, being lonely, this little life works for me at present, so I'm just going to keep on with it. That being said, I'd like to meet someone for cups of tea, graveyard walks, bookshop raids and stuff like that... I just don't want to rush into romance or to feel like we "must" be having sex really fast. Perhaps it's time to revisit the book group idea., join the local pagan groups, or look for more gamers in the local vicinity?