Reflections

 Hi,

I find myself thinking about what I want, and what I’m scared of, a lot at the moment. Part of that is where I’m working out myself – getting in touch with who I was when I was young, asking myself the question who I want to be now. I feel privileged that I can take a step back and look at myself to do that and it feels a little like going through a sort of adolescence albeit one that’s a lot more mindful and considered.

Last night, at therapy, I realised I’m scared of being overwhelmed in relationships and that my boundaries aren’t particularly robust. I’m scared that I’ll end up setting myself and my needs to one side because they won’t feel appropriate. I feel as if I’ve learned that in order to be good partner, I must sacrifice myself and have no boundaries. That you nod and smile and do the things you want when your partner is busy – which now that I think about it is what my Mum did when I was a kid, so that’s part of the reason I do it, probably. The other aspect is rooted in crappy self-esteem and the way that for a long time I didn’t think what I wanted was worth anything.

Right now, given that all I want most is simply to be me, it’s my driving goal at present, to the extent that I would take being just me over being part of any gender, race, class, faith, or sexuality etc: this is something that’s important to me. I find myself particularly worried that in a relationship I would fall afoul of old, bad, habits – by which I mean I would just go with the flow and lose myself, becoming inert or supine. And I really don’t want that.

One thing I’ve learned from being alone is that I actually like myself, and I don’t think I’m defective or too weird… if anything I’m the right amount of weird and I’m waiting for other people to catch up. I’m proud that I don’t see the world quite the same way as other people and realise that I’ve worked hard to achieve that by educating myself and following my passions. These things make me happy, make me feel more myself. I take that as positive.

I did, however, observe that when I was dating someone at Christmas, the element of … Eros I suppose, swept that away and I feel uncomfortable with that. Consequently, I find myself wanting to skip that emotional madness in favour of something more level-headed. I know that’s not realistic, but it doesn’t stop me wanting something where I don’t lose my common sense because someone’s expressed an interest in me. I feel much more wary of that giddy feeling and at the very least I want to be able to sit down and have a serious discussion about boundaries and limits – even if the relationship is vanilla (because a lot of this stuff is vanilla – things like needing my own space, needing to have the space and time to create, the fact that I won’t watch telly unless I’m really interested, and that I want at least one cat). It’s a matter of reaching a point where I feel comfortable enough to both feel that rush of love/attraction and feel that sitting down to talk quite honestly (and almost in a way that means negotiating the relationship) is possible. And I want those conversations, those discussions, because I want to establish a space for mutual harmonious coexistence between me and whoever. My experience hitherto has been quite organic – those conversations even haven’t happened, or I’ve nodded and smiled and gone along with stuff because I felt the most important thing was pleasing others.

I no longer feel like that. That’s another advantage of being alone at present. For one thing, it’s only when you’re alone you find out who you are. Otherwise, you’re being constantly told who other people think you are, and it gets confusing because you’re constantly subjected to contrary visions of yourself. I’m grateful for this chance to reflect and grow. It’s just that I do have a fear that I’ll become undone, and I’m determined not to let it happen.