October's Catch Up
Oh no, I've managed to neglect this blog again, haven't I? Sorry, sorry. I'm awful at social media these days and half the time I spend my time completely ignoring these things. I do actually have an X account again but I've only posted on it twice, so gods know if its worth it.
All the same, I thought I should type up a quick "round up" of what's happening.
I guess the most important thing is that I'm divorced! My ex and I started the process back in February and it was completed a couple of weeks ago in wat felt like an anti climax, if I'm honest.. I don't feel any particular exaltation or happiness over the situation and its just a shame that we couldn't make things work - though we gave it a good try (we were together for over 20 years). Ultimately, we just drifted apart and became different people. It does feel like the future is wide open, ready for me to grow and develop, but even though that's not a bad thing, it still doesn't feel like a cause for celebration.
Therapy
I'm still having therapy, which continues to be a benefit, and I'm exploring whether or not I'm autistic. I've got a GP appointment about it in a couple of weeks time and I hope to be put forward for assessment. The possibility of being autistic came up last year and I was too deep in my trauma to cope with it. The idea that the bad things that happened in my childhood were as a result of me being autistic and people struggling to cope loomed too long and too dark for me to be able to countenance it. Thankfully a year plus more of talk therapy has really helped (I'm particularly fond of Parts work, I'm not sure why, but it just seems to work for me), and I can now accept that there's a strong possibility that I'm autistic without feeling shame. Watching YouTube videos and consulting Embracing Autism has been really helpful for me, as has knowing other people who are at the same point I'm at, because it makes me feel less alone. One colleague at work has been particularly supportive because we're both at the same stage of the process.
This channel has been particularly helpful, and I whole heartedly recommend it.
That doesn't mean everything is plain sailing, a few weeks ago I was struggling with the feeling of being left behind and worrying about my future with work, housing and so on. I love the town I live in (Bournemouth UK) but I don't know that I'll ever be able to afford a home here, and my job doesn't have a natural lead to another one. There's no chance of progression. As a consequence I don't really feel like career advancement is possible here, and while I would love to just write for a living, I'm conscious that I'm a long way from being able to do that. Hell, I'm just trying build enough of a base to have people who like what I'm doing.
As a consequence, while I don't want to move, I feel like I may have to. Honestly, when I think about that, I just feel glad that I'm generally a loner who hasn't put down any significant roots here, even though what I want to do is put down roots and find a forever home for myself. I still have a deep hankering to move to Scotland, but I'm also looking at Yorkshire, Wales... almost anywhere but Birmingham - I don't know why but I just don't want to live there again.
Writing
On the writing side I've been working on an ever growing piece about superhumans abducting another superhuman in a superhero world (none of the characters in the story can be described as "heroic" though, so I don't think it's right to call them superheroes - I mean, we're talking about some mercenaries and the champion of a nation that makes its money making superhuman guards for oppressive regimes, there's no fluffy bunnies here). I've also got a couple of fantasy pieces through to the point where I've asked a couple of friends to read them to check for places the narrative isn't quite right. On top of that I've been making novel notes for fantasy novel, which I think is quite cool.
Some of those pieces will end up on Wattpad, others will go out to magazines because I'm trying to build that base I mentioned above. I have an immense list of things to write and I'm trying my best to get things launched and expanded through short stories, so that anything I create is well thought out and matured before there's a novel attached to it.
Roleplaying
My Vampire Dark Ages game is going okay. We've had two new players join, but one isn't quite working out and I'm going to ask him to leave because he's stressing me out. The other guy is amazing and I'm really happy he's joined our group. The game is about to go into a new phase, one that's much more focused on the Omen War between Clans Tremere and Tzimisce, which is something the campaign has been flirting with ever since it started. Where the action has been focused on sort of a cold war though, with left behind units, and the Usurpers attempting to undermine the Tzimisce Prince's grip on his city, this new part will be much more open about the hostilities, and allow me to unleash some of the monsters both sides have under wraps. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when the coterie is faced with a Zohd, or something similarly nasty. I'm not planning to kill any PCs but who knows what will happen? That's in the hands of the dice gods, really.
Also in the gaming camp, I'm trying to sort out what to focus on beyond Vampire. I find it hard to just focus on one thing at a time (as you may have gathered reading the paragraph about writing), and I like to have something to fall back on... And I want to feel like I'm collecting something, which I really don't understand. I've been buying Wrath & Glory books and they're well put together with good art (it's a Warhammer game, so I don't think that comes as a surprise). I'd like to run something akin to the Dan Abnett Eisenhorn and Gaunt's Ghost novels.
Another option is to focus on Werewolf the Apocalypse which feels like a very modern, very "now" game. I'd love to run Poison Streets (the game focused on the idea that Pentex gets to take over modern Birmingham... yes I know I don't want to live there, but I think the place has lots of potential for fiction).
A "No Buy" Year
Despite that, I'm also very conscious of how much I own and the need to start saving money (partly so I can afford - one day - to buy a house, but also because I want to own a new computer that can run some good computer games... which I am conscious means more spending and more chipping away at time I possibly don't have. It's been so long since I played anything other than mobile games and, honestly, starting to be interested in computer games feels like me healing a bit after going through a long period of not wanting anything to do with them at all.
Anyway, I'm trying to sort things out so that I can have a much leaner year next year and work through the books I own, rather than buying anything new. I did join the library when I moved down here, though I lost my card at some point... So, I'll switch to borrowing books instead of buying them.
In part I've been inspired by this video, but I've also had it rolling around in my head for a while - I'm very good at buying books and then forgetting about them. I love reading, even though I struggle to do it for long periods of time now, and do want to get more books read.
Outside of all this, I'm trying to make plans to be more sociable - though admittedly that's going to be through writing groups and geek things (the idea of going to a pub to meet people and there not being a shared interest doesn't appeal). I would like to meet someone new, romantically, and to be with someone long term. I worry that won't happen, and I don't really feel like I know what I'm doing because I hate things like dating apps.
On that "cheerful" note, I'll love you and leave you. That's what's going on right now and I'll try to update things more regularly.
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