Diagnosis Results

 So, a few weeks ago I got my assessment results and it turns out I'm autistic. There's no more "may be" or "could be" about it anymore, even though I'm waiting for the written report. I am autistic, full stop. I've spent two years investigating this and reading books and talking with my therapist about it as I explored who I was and how I see the world. The assessment took the form of two Zoom interviews with clinicians (my friend Leeza was kind enough to sit in on the 2nd one, and to give evidence) and the process was pretty painless - though having to repeatedly say that I didn't know about if I had abnormal development when I was four or five got old... just because I don't really remember anything from that time of my life. I would say that having the diagnosis confirmed was probably the biggest thing to happen to me this year and I have a feeling I'll continue to be influenced by in 2025 as well. The autism, of course, will influence me for the rest of my life... but that goes without saying, right? 

It feels like I can finally look at my life clearly, and the diagnosis explains so much. I grew up in the 1980s when the condition was seen in very stereotypical terms, trains and science and white boys who were rude and unemotional (and couldn't understand why they were being rude). It wasn't until the 1990s that researchers began to understand that autism didn't have to look that way and that as many women and girls were as autistic as boys and men - it just presented differently in them. At the same time, they created a diagnosis of "Asperger's", named after the German Nazi scientist who stole much of his research from people he'd worked with during the Weimar Republic, for people who basically had autism like symptoms which weren't severe enough to be considered autism at the time. Of course, in 2013, clinicians changed their minds and put both autism and Asperger's into the same bracket, having realised that Asperger's was autism, albeit at a more moderate level. 

That's a tangent though, the point is that in the 1980s I wouldn't have been diagnosed because I don't have the "type" of autism that looks like the stereotype of trains and science and, if anything, I think I have a much more "female" expression of the disorder (if that's the right world for it - from my perspective neurotypical people are the disordered ones). I'm probably lucky to have had the chance to look at this at all, much less receive a diagnosis for it. Of course, there are questions about whether other members of my family are also autistic or if I'm a one off, but I don't think those for me to answer. Let my bloodkin explore it if they choose to. I'm just glad to have answers to things like I've never really feeling like I fit in anywhere, why I struggle with certain environments, find it easy to be overwhelmed and spend most of my time looking at people's faces worrying they're cross with me. I can read a smile or a frown, but when someone's face is in neutral I get anxious about it. 

The analogy I've been using for what I've learned is that it's like discovering that I've been running a race my whole life and it's only now that I know that my legs are tied together and that's why I'm not doing so well. My entire life it feels like I've had people shouting at me and telling me to work harder, run faster, do better, and I've struggled to explain that I can't, I literally can't... Now I have a reason for that and it's such a relief. It lets me be kinder to myself, as well. All my life I've felt like an outsider, like a freak - and that's not a nice way to talk about myself. So, knowing that I'm autistic helps me realise that I'm not a weird, inadequate neurotypical person, but an autistic person who's doing the best I can with what my genetics gave me. I'm not the same as everyone else, but that's because my brain is literally different to everyone else's. 

Knowing what I do now allows me to view myself with more self compassion and even with some pride. I've spent a lifetime struggling and thinking to myself that outwardly I'm male, white, straight (though I'm less sure about that as I get older) and received a good education... so why has life felt so difficult? Why have I struggled with making friends, understanding things other people take for granted, moving my career ahead and things like that? It's not like I've had a family or children to care for. I've just... failed. I wouldn't say that that's entirely gone, either. I'm still very conscious that I don't understand a lot of human interaction, but at least I know why that it is now. 

My feeling of pride stems from being able to look at my life and see what I have managed, what I've done right and made happen. Things like moving to Bournemouth and securing a flat, keeping on top of my bills and holding down a job. Being able to do those things confirm to me that I have value and that I'm capable. 

These feelings are quite contradictory, I'm sure you'll agree. My main feeling is that of relief, though I'm struck the irony of initially thinking I was autistic because I love Fantasy and Science Fiction and because when I was a kid I would go around the border of my parents' Persian rug making patterns of each of the designs in the border... which I was pretty sure wasn't "normal" even then. 

The last thing I want to do, if you're questioning if you're autistic too is point you in the direction of online quizzes because I don't think they're that accurate. I'd suggest starting off by watching content on YouTube (my favourite autistic creator is Meg from I'm autistic now what) and to start paying attention to how you live. Do you struggle to read faces, the way I do? Do you practice repetitive behaviours? Can you relate to characters in stories easily? Do you realise when you're hungry or thirsty, or recognise your emotions? Be honest with yourself and if you feel there might be a chance you're autistic, then please approach your doctor to discuss it if you can. I'm very conscious as I write this that many people in the world have to pay for healthcare and I'm very lucky to live in the UK where the NHS will pay for things like this. 

Don't be fooled, I know I have challenges ahead, not least getting people to listen to me or take me seriously as an autistic person. It's against the law to discriminate against us in the UK, but at the same time, only 30% of autistic people are employed here. In some countries the figures are far worse. But at least I know that, and can work around that.