Proof of Life

 Hey, 

Welcome, or welcome back, to the Shores of Night. I'm your host, Grim, and I talk about far too many things. 

I'm conscious that I'm pretty bad at updating the blog. This is really a proof-of-life blog piece. I have a few essays/think pieces on the back burner, waiting to be finished. One's about human nature and the other about fantasy and history, and I'll try to get them published soon... ish. 

After that I'll see what I can start writing about. I'd quite like to do something fairly big, perhaps a deep dive into a roleplaying game like The Wildsea or Vaesen, or a Chapter and Verse series for the Definitive Edition of Ars Magica, going through it chapter by chapter. I also want to talk more about mental health and the odd things I find interesting, because let's face it, I'm interested in some odd things. 

That, though, is for the future. I feel like I have to get through this month first. 

September

Honestly, this time of year is exhausting. Everything comes to a head at work, so it gets stressful and rushed. Even though this isn't my first year in the role, it feels more stressful than in previous years. I'm not sure if that's because I'm getting older or because of other factors (and I want to be explicitly clear that it's not about my employer or anything like that - it's just me and my weird brain and things that make me wonder if I have ADHD as well as autism... At the same time, I don't really want to go down the route of more assessments. 

Sorry, that sounds like whining, which I didn't intend. I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I just feel tired and stressed and like it's time to explore new avenues. 

I think I'm ready to move on. Or maybe I'm just getting ready to move on. I feel like that's a process I've been circling for a while, and it's hard to measure. 

Stepping Forward But Dancing Back

That means tying up old pieces of business, even if I don't want to. For example, it means getting stuff sorted out with my ex-wife, getting the house sold and being able to go our separate ways. That means lawyers and other things, which I fear will be expensive and stressful. I have to admit I've been avoiding it for a while because it's all been so frustrating so far. 

It also means working out what I want to be when I grow up, if I do. I sort of fell into my line of work, and I've never really felt strongly drawn to anything else to pull myself out. If I'm honest, I have quite a scarcity mindset around work and am very conscious that I struggle to retain jobs and fit in anywhere. The world has never felt like my oyster; if anything, it's the opposite.

Photo by Luca Bravo on Unsplash

Right now, I'm feeling motivated by learning I'm autistic and realising how stacked the world is against anyone who doesn't have a neurotypical brain, and by the worsening climate crisis. I suppose that's lit a fire under me. 

I want to help; I want to act. That feels like it's driving my job search a lot right now, if I'm honest. One good thing about the university sector is that it gives you a lot of transferable skills, so I have a decent amount of things I can do, even if I doubt myself a lot of the time. The issue is my tendency to think in black and white and to count myself out if I see something in a job description I don't think I can do.

Helllooooooo Anxiety.

Stumbling Blocks

It's hard for me to see a world beyond university administration, even though I feel like it's not work I'm particularly good at much of the time. I'd like to find a different sky to shine in, and I want to do something to counteract the backlash we're seeing to so many things I hold dear. I think, as a consequence, part of what I'm circling around are these questions: 

What do I want to do? 

What am I good at? 

Where can I make a useful contribution?

I don't have the answers, but I hope to find out. I'm tired of living life on everyone else's terms.