As with so many things this year feels like its a case of one step forward and two steps back.
The last few days have been pretty bleak, because for reasons that I don't fully understand all my self loathing decided to unpack itself and I found myself staring at a situation where I've achieved very few of my life goals and, at 37 (nearly 38) I feel like my life has pretty much been a waste for the past twenty odd years. This isn't helped by the fact that I keep saying I'm going to do things and then failing to.
I know this isn't an uncommon feeling, but I must admit to looking at pretty much my entire life with a sense of disappointment; and feel that I can count the successes on one hand. Obviously, things have to change, I'm just not sure how and frankly I'm getting tired of this dance.
In an attempt to make changes I'm going to set myself 3 tasks for this time next year - using my birthday as the very end point. The goals have to be things I can control and don't rely too much on luck or other people to achieve.
First, I want to finish Fatal Thirst. Not get it published or even find an agent; just finish the thing. The novel has mutated readily over the years I've been writing it and grown longer (what was going to be a standalone novel is now slated to be a trilogy) and whilst I'm half way through volume one I do need to get on and finish it.
Second I want to have found a new job or got a place on a PhD course and be moving away from working as an administrator into a field I actually look enjoy (no offence to readers who are admininstrators and enjoy their work, but its not a job that fills me with joy).
Third... honestly I have no idea. I think, tentatively, that it might need to be something about getting out and socialising but I'm simply unsure at present. Suggestions are welcome, though.
After this, I get to the tricky bit - it's fine to say 'I wanna be different' but it means nothing if I don't put the ground work in. Some of its obvious, stay off the internet, write as much as I can, and reconnect with the novel to build the rest of my story to fill out the best parts of it whilst getting rid of the weak links. Easy, right?
The job thing is more difficult, I'm unsure what I want to do. I like the idea of teaching at higher education level, having discovered that despite my bookish, frueqently shut in nature, I'm rather fond of interacting with people over short stretches of time but I don't know if its a realistic idea. Outside of that, I have no idea and suspect that a lot of the notions I have about working in a library or resource centre are simply romantic.
As to the third... well we'll see when I work out what it is.
Whatever it is the wind is blowing in the direction of better time management and using it more productively.
Right, pity party over... gotta get to work... Bring it on.
(and no I'm not posting the video - I don't want gold lame hot pants on my blog).