Monday, 9 May 2016

Vigil

It's late, and I cannot sleep. My thoughts are haunting me, something's opened my Pandora's Box of bad shit, the stuff I try to keep locked up and can't. So I'm assuaged by thoughts about how useless, and ugly, and stupid I am.

I pretty much have those all the time, of course, I guess we all do, it's just that I learnt to listen to mine, and to take them seriously, and it doesn't matter if I wrote a good review of a book I read for a friend, or got the cat's medicine. Those are mistakes, accidents... This fucked up, stupid man who can't look at himself in the mirror and hates having his photo taken is the real deal... the real side of me (why do you think I put a cartoon picture of Galactus up on here and not an actual photo of me?). Or at least that's what the thoughts tell me, and like a fool, I listen to them. Even though I know I'm just compounding my error, that's what I do... it's what I've always done, even though it means that I generally hate myself, and feel like I'm never good enough to do anything or like I know anything... or rather what I know is useless, I mean it matters to me but to the rest of the world it seems to be about as much use as a gnat's fart in a whirlwind.

Eve is sleeping next door and I'm wondering why the hell she bothers with me, why she chooses to be with someone who in twenty years has achieved fuck all. Who feels like his life has gone nowhere and been a waste of time. I don't joke when I say that getting the cats has been the best thing from the past two decades, getting married aside. All my hobbies and interests seem stupid when I feel like this, childish or pointless and the feeling that I am somehow a failure on every front, from my 'career' to my relationship, to my identity as a man or at least someone who's a grown up with XY chromosomes kicks me hard. Fuck, tonight I can't even handle grammar, and I'm wondering if there's any point to actually typing this or if it's just another load of garbage.

Another case of me howling into the cyber void... another 'look at me, look at me'. Sometimes I feel like that's all I ever say, as if that's all our whole species says... just like the birds in the trees.

I confess, I've been lying in bed wondering if I should just end it; if I just vanished anyone would notice or care. I wish at times I could just walk away from my life and never come back, just vanish into the world and never be seen again. Stupid of me really, as I don't intend to do anything silly, but it's the kind of night where those are the sorts of thoughts that come up and tap on my shoulder, pointing out that I'm a waste of space and nobody actually likes me (whether that's true or not is immaterial, I've had that fear so long that it crops up almost every time my mood dips). Instead, I'm pulling back into my shell like a curmudgeonly tortoise, deactivating my Facebook account (because really that site doesn't help), and swearing I'll limit how much time I'll spend online. None of that helps with the 'oh gods nobody likes me' stuff of course but it does mean that I don't get the endless memes and other rubbish that floods in and frustrates me.

It doesn't help that this world seems so fucked up to me as if everywhere I look there's nothing but greed, and everything we do as a species just feeds the impulse to consume. Nothing seems pure as if we must monetize and exploit everything until there's nothing left but an empty shell... And then we'll find something else and do it all over again. In the meantime, in the UK, we seem to be running the country down in the name of making it great again, and in America it looks as if whoever the next President is they'll be a dingbat of some description.  Add the lying car companies, and all the other corporate hacks who happily rip us off for unsafe products and who trouser obscene amounts of money, and perhaps it's no surprise that reading the paper is a touch on the painful side. I'm really glad I don't have kids because I wouldn't want them coming into this world... And I don't know if that's me being objective or if the crap in my head is obscuring my judgement.

For now, I'm just going to stay up and listen to crappy music and write.

See you around.