Sunday, 29 July 2018

In Bits

I'm going to preface this by saying I hope I'm wrong, and that this is all very premature and proves to be a stupid man being stupid and worried.



With that out of the way, I'm scared that Hobbes is dying. He's been off his food for a week and a bit, willing to drink milk but not interested in his biscuits. He's even off cheese which is a really scary thing, which as meant we haven't been able to give him his pills (in part because Eve's not been helping or been forgetting he has to have them). He's skeleton covered in fur, today and barely able to walk.

I thought it was the heat and that he just didn't want to eat because he was so tired, but now the weather's broken and he's still not eating and doesn't seem that interested in drinking either. I asked about taking him to the vet and even tried to arrange it - only to find that I couldn't get a taxi for some reason (trying to book one, the people on the other phone didn't seem to understand me).So it ended up being abortive, and for the first time in my life I wish I could drive so I could have just taken him with no worries or questions asked. I feel like I've let my best, in some ways my only, friend down.

He seemed okay though, he could still jump up onto the sofa bed I'm sleeping on, still had his purr. Today those things are gone.

So, on my birthday I'm in fucking bits. I can't stop crying. He's not just a cat, he's family, my best friend, the only thing in my life that doesn't treat me like some sort of freak or tell me I'm wrong on a consistent basis. I was hoping to take him with me when I left Birmingham, to have a wee flat where we could just curl up together and now I don't think that's going to happen. I feel guilty and angry, and sad all at the same time.   For a long, long time, he's been the only good thing in my life, through shit with friends, a relationship that just didn't fucking work unless I was basically doing as I was told, through jobs that made me want to kill myself, through all me fears and doubts and feelings of alienation.

It just feels like if he dies, I'll have nothing left. That's so fucking selfish of me I know but

Please, please Hobbes, don't die. . Please.

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