I'm Not In Love

 I have a complicated relationship with love. On the one hand, part of me (I'm not sure which part) would love to be in love and to have a partner. To feel the smile tugging at my lips when I think of the other person and my heart beating faster. On the other, honestly, I hate it. I hate the obsession that comes with the early stages of love, the feeling that my thoughts lead only to them and I'm left marooned within the storm of emotions and hormones that come with them. The feeling that I can't function without the other person eventually just leaves me feeling strung out and unhappy. 

Growing up I didn't develop much in the way of boundaries... or if I did, I quickly learned that they'd be ignored. To be honest, I don't think that was particularly novel - for certain generations, we just didn't get that experience (let's face it many of us grew up in Philip Larkin's This Be The Verse where generational trauma was the norm). Consequently, most of my relationships involved feeling like I couldn't stand up for myself and giving too much of myself to keep my partner happy. 

I've been single since January 2022, only making the most half-arsed forays into the dating world. This year I thought I wanted to find a partner... but only almost 5 months in, I just don't know. Things I thought I wanted, I now don't know that I do - which I partly attribute to therapy and partly to not wanting to repeat the "giving too much and having nothing left" situation I described above. I realise that some of my attitudes around people and how I dealt with them were unhelpful and harmed me. That includes things I got into in my teens and spent my entire marriage wanting. I feel they should be put to one side because they just don't fit any more. I don't want to be told what to do anymore,  ignored, or taken for granted. I suppose I've learned that if you give people an inch, they really will take a mile. 

That means any dating now has to take a different slant and be done more mindfully. I have to ask how much energy and time I have because those goals of mine are still there and I worry that if I enter a relationship I'll either neglect them or end up ignoring my partner because the books won't write themselves. In short, is there a safer, middle way, where both partners get their needs met and there's less chance of screwing things up? 

It also means that I'm looking at what potential partners want out of life and how they spend their days before I make a commitment. I want the assurance that if I'm off noodling about with a novel the other person isn't going to be asking me to watch TV, play video games, or something else (let me be clear, none of those things is bad but I need that time to work at the same time so need someone who's able to be independent). I think someone who also has their own "knitting" - art, writing, volunteering, or whatever, would probably be the ideal at this point, but I just don't know. 

The last couple of years have been devoted to growing and healing from the past, um, 45... yeesh that's a scary thing to type! It's an ongoing process, but I'm becoming stronger for it. Moving forward is the ideal right now. At the moment, that looks like trying to get out more and meet people, make friends, and push my writing career as much as I can... 

That's it, that's all. If it works, I'll meet someone, if not then there's always the crazy cat person option (and honestly, there are days when that seems preferable).